Church really hit a soft spot with me this week. We talked about how our relationship with our father affects our relationship with our heavenly Father. As soon as our Sunday School teacher mentioned the topic I got squeamish.
My relationship with my dad is just how it is meant to be…Totally non-existent. I haven’t spoken to him since I was in 9th grade. I was never close to my dad, ever. I hated him pretty much right from the git-go. He was an alcoholic and so was his dad (who I only met once or twice). They both probably want to blame a lot of their behavior on the drinking but I know it was more than that. He was evil before, during and after AA.
He was physically and verbally abusive to me and my mother. Most kids pray for their parents to never divorce but I prayed all the time that they would divorce. I just wanted my mom to swoop me up one day and we just leave him. They were married 18 years. How and why she put up with him for so long, I will never fully understand. I was pretty much done with him by the time I was 2.
Mom always told me how I pushed his buttons. I didn’t understand what she meant by that when I was a child but I totally get that now and I totally agree I did. I would do things all the time just to aggravate him and see how long it took before he blew up; and ultimately how long it would take before he left. He had no patience.
Keep in mind, I lived in a household where my mother and I feared for our lives. She had to hide his gun from him. She hid the car keys from him so if she needed to escape he wouldn’t be able to stop her. I would tell him I loved him because I knew if he found out I hated him he might hurt me.
Sometimes, I was so scared of him. I got spankings that bruised my bottom for a week after. And I wasn’t that bad of a kid. I had my moments, but nothing worthy of hitting me so hard my bottom was bruised. In 4th grade I made a C on my report card and I ran away cause I truly thought he would kill me. I grabbed Sue Gale, my Cabbage Patch Kid and my Tootsie Roll bank and left. The police found me later that night and brought me back home. The police man asked me why I ran away. He asked if my parents had fought. I wanted to tell him so badly how scared I was, but my parents were right there listening and I just didn’t have the courage to tell him. I just wanted my dad out of my life and if he wasn’t going to leave, and if my mom wasn’t going to leave him, I wanted to leave. How far can a 10 year old run though?
Then there were times I wasn’t at all afraid. I would stare him down, stand up to him, laugh in his face, yell right back, ignore anything he said, whatever it took to piss him off. Mom was right, I did try to push his buttons and I was good at it too. I wanted to push him away and out of our lives forever. It took a while but I eventually got my way.
So , back to the Sunday School lesson…I would say this is very similar to my relationship with God and other men. I do like pushing buttons. I know they will eventually leave and I want to see how long it takes before they do. Usually not long at all. Funny how God is still there for me even though I’ve tried pushing His buttons too. Its hard for me to accept that He loves me. How can He love me if my own dad didn’t? I know Jesus loves me cause there’s a whole children’s song about that, but I do NOT feel worthy of His love at all.
So all that came to the surface in Sunday school. I tried so hard to not cry in front of everyone but I finally had to just leave the room. Every other woman in that room spoke of how special their relationship was with their dad. That’s so great and all, I wouldn’t want anyone to experience a childhood like mine, but I felt so alone and different from everyone else.
Then on top of all that I of course started to think about Skye and her relationship with her dad and how that is going to affect her relationship with Christ and with other men. I know I shouldn’t sit and worry about things I cant control or about things that are years away but its hard for me as a parent to not worry about her and want to protect her from any heartache. I want her to know she is so worthy of love.
Its been almost two decades since I last spoke to my dad and the topic still is something I don’t know if I’ll ever get over. I hope Skye never has to carry this kind of sadness and rejection in her heart. I’ll protect her as much as I can, but I’m not sure if that will be enough. She is such a precious spirit, I don’t want anyone to break that. I think I would have made it through Sunday School without crying if I wouldn’t have been worried about her too. It was just too much at that point though.
Its been over 24 hours since Sunday School and I’m still kinda in a saddish mood because of it all. Maybe talking a bit about it will help. I’m 34 years old. I’m tired of dealing with this pain and with these memories. I wish I could just get past it. Funny how things bring it to the surface though. I’m thankful I have people in my life who understand and thankful for ways, even as simple as blogging, to help express this pain.
I know I’m not the only woman with “daddy-daughter” issues and many others have situations much worse than mine. I’m so grateful for the blessings in my life. Everyday, I try to focus on those. I hope when the right guy does come along I won’t feel the need to push his buttons and maybe I can just accept the fact that I am deserving of love.
A few years ago I didn’t believe this to be possible at all. Now I at least know in my head it is a possibility, but I wonder if my heart will ever be convince of this. I know I have to believe this before I can truly teach my daughter this lesson. The bruises on my bottom have obviously all healed up, now just the bruise left on my heart I’m trying to heal.
Cant say I blame any guy for not wanting to deal with my baggage. Hmmmm…I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how it all turns out. I suspect ultimately it will turn out ok.
